23 years old. Connoisseur of mobile games. Lives entirely off of heavily seasoned rice and coffee.
Oh, Candidate Crunch. I’ve known you for about an hour and a half, but it feels like I have known you all my life.
Candidate Crunch is a brand new mobile game for Android and iOS devices.
- Donald Trump, The God-Emperor.
- Hillary Clinton, The Flapjack.
- Bernie Sanders, The Golden Goyim.
- Ted Cruz, The (overused meme).
- Marco Rubio, The Fresh Prince.
- John Kasich, The Man Who Never Backs Down (Until He Finally Backed Down).
- Ben Carson, The Guy I Can’t Think Of Anything Humorous To Say About.
- And Jeb Bush, The Boy That Time Forgot.
All of the warriors are here. All of them are willing to campaign until one lone candidate reigns supreme for about four or so years.
You must help them. Or don’t. It’s really your call.
Choose your candidate, collect points to level up states, and collect coins to unlock a random special skin for a random candidate.
Tap on falling objects such as giant boulders, Liberty Bells, boxes of English tea, and bronze bull statues to save your candidate.There is also a mission mode where you have to collect pies. This is true to life. Every seasoned politician knows that all campaigns are fueled, not by money or willpower, but by pies. In America, all currency is pies, and every man is rich.
However, avoid tapping the plummeting bald eagles. Tapping a bald eagle is considered high treason in America, and is punishable by hanging and/or up to forty-seven years of familial shaming.
Furthermore, there are power ups, such as a shield or a 2x point multiplier. Do not tap the power ups.
There is no punishment for tapping a power up aside from simply missing out, but the general populace will take your impulsive tapping as a sign of weakness. I’m not talking about in the game, I mean the general populace in real life.
They all know you accidentally tapped on that 2x multiplier, John.
That woman you kept stealing glances at on the bus in Downtown Chicago? She knew, John. You might have had a chance if you didn’t accidentally tap that 2x multiplier, John. But now she’s forever gone from your life, just like that 2x multiplier, John.
The gameplay is somewhat repetitive, consisting of several mission types that all feel generally the same.
However, it’s all presented in a way that still makes it all feel quite fun, and minimalistic one-trick-pony games are nothing new to the world of mobile games, with many games that offer a lot less than Candidate Crunch, yet still attain a large following.
I feel like this game will go far. Unlike many political-themed games, Candidate Crunch is devoid of any bias, leaving all decisions to the player. I respect that immensely, and you can put that on the back of the box in big bold yellow letters.
Will I continue playing Candidate Crunch? Probably, if I need to kill an hour or so.
I look forward to additional content being added to Candidate Crunch.
I rate Candidate Crunch: 4.5 asphyxiated Jeb Bush corpses out of 5.